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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25223599">Harry Potter and the Possibly Very Bad Sex</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/private_eyes/pseuds/private_eyes'>private_eyes</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ambiguous Age, Bisexual Disaster Harry Potter, Chaos, Cockney Rhyming Slang, Crack, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Pop Culture, Prophecy, Rap Battles, Unresolved Sexual Tension, don't think too hard about the details, foot fetish (as a joke), some JKR bashing, they're in school but let's say they're all 18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 01:57:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,230</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25223599</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/private_eyes/pseuds/private_eyes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After Harry trips and accidentally has all his clothes ripped off in front of Draco Malfoy, he realizes there's more to their relationship than just antagonism.  </p>
<p>If only there wasn't that prophecy hanging about that he's destined for bad sex.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Drarry Strugglefest 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Harry Potter and the Possibly Very Bad Sex</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The halls were covered with that famous Hogwarts goo that always coated every surface of the school after the day after a House Elf Banger. Being 11:27am and 32 seconds, it was exactly the scheduled time that Harry and Draco set aside to scowl at each other before Potions class. Both Draco and Harry warmed up their mouths as they walked over, twisting and smushing their voluptuous, fish-like lips together, each preparing for a scowl that would make Clint Eastwood blush. </p>
<p>Draco came around the corner in front, stepping down into the dungeon as Harry came down on his right. Their fiery gazes met in the middle, but instead of completing their daily ritual like always, <em>today </em>Harry’s Air Merlins slipped on the slick stone stairs, flinging him backwards, his hood catching directly onto Hermione’s wand with a loud <em>riiiiip</em>.  Harry slid right out of his wizard robes buck-naked (or is it butt-naked?), landing on the floor in a classic “paint me like one of your French Wizards” pose. </p>
<p>Draco, dumbfounded for ten long seconds by the occurrences that had just taken place, finally began to register Harry’s incalculable mortification. He broke into an uncontrollable cackle. In fact, he began laughing so hard he accidentally launched himself forward off the stairs as well. </p>
<p>Wanting to be wherever the commotion was, Peeves was next to rush to the scene. Still flying through the air as Peeves entered, Draco’s shoes both caught the edge of one of Peeves hat bells (as he was a poltergeist, these things work differently, after all), tearing his feet from his Louis Batons (the famous shoemaker related to <em>Beaux</em>baton). His feet were naked as the day he last didn’t have socks on. Which wasn’t <em>that </em>long ago; however, Draco’s feet had never been seen uncovered in public before this moment, and they were <em>glorious</em>. They had all the things that people who like feet think are super hot. His toes were 6 inches long and dexterous, his arch was super archy, and his heel was meaty and thicc. Draco landed, his perfect feet slapping the ground right near Harry’s face, while he threw his hands up to signal a proper gymnastic landing. </p>
<p>Everything went quiet as Draco stood at the bottom of the stairs, everyone's eyes glued to him and Harry. </p>
<p>Peeves, though, broke the silence with one of his shitty, off-meter songs that nobody likes: </p>
<p><br/>
</p>
<p>“Draco,</p>
<p>He’s got the big toe, </p>
<p>Not afraid to show-show, </p>
<p>His big toe.”</p><p>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>“Alright Peeves, we get it,” said Harry, still lying naked across the floor. </p>
<p>Peeves held up a finger and shot Harry a murderous glance. “I wasn’t done, you little git.” </p>
<p>Everyone looked at each other, and Peeves went on: </p><p>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>“Harry Potter is such a fuckin’ bitch,</p>
<p>I’ll fuck up his face worse than Voldemort’s stitch, </p>
<p>Come by with my ghost crew, and he’ll fuckin’ wish </p>
<p>He never fucked with Peeves when he was tryin’ to spit.</p><p>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>I’ve been spittin’ dirty rhymes since before you were born,</p>
<p>Tearing through these halls with unimaginable scorn.</p>
<p>For sure, I swore that I’d break down your door</p>
<p>If you ever want to come and fuck with Peeves some more.”</p><p>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>A lone clap came from Neville which immediately stopped after he realized no one else was clapping. Peeves dropped a ghostly mic and floated away. </p>
<p>	After a long, uncomfortable pause, Draco looked at Harry.  His wand was 11 inches (“nice and supple” he noted) and he had awe-inspiring, glistening pecs. Draco tried to hide his arousal the best he could and said, “Potter! Why aren’t you wearing anything under your robes?!”</p>
<p>Harry gathered himself and covered his whomping willow with the ripped sleeve of his robe. “Well,” he nervously swallowed, “Dumbledore told me he never wears anything under his robes and that underwear constricts all the magic.”</p>
<p>Draco sighed and sucked his right incisor. “You still listen to that old coot? He doesn’t know his ass from his elbow!”</p>
<p>“I’ll have you know that the accidental spell where he swapped his ass with his elbow was an honest mistake!” Harry ejaculated. “And anyway, why are your feet like that?”</p>
<p>“Like what? </p>
<p>Harry gulped trying to hide his attraction to Draco’s shapely gnome-stompers.</p>
<p>“Like so…perfectly-” Harry struggled to string together an insult, “….weird.”</p>
<p>Just as Harry finished his sentence, Snape menacingly hovered in. “<em>Mister Potter</em>, why are you in the nude?”</p>
<p>“I fell down the stairs,” Harry replied meekly.</p>
<p>“Well, <em>Mister Potter</em>, as a conveniently sexy punishment, I’m going to make you sit through the entire class naked.” Snape pointed to Harry’s two dangly galleons and said, “Did you bring enough for the whole class, Mister Potter?” He snickered and proceeded into the classroom, followed by the rest of the students. </p>
<p>Harry was miserable as he sat through the duration of Potions, his buttcheek skin clinging to his stool. No one could look at him - except for Draco, that is - who Harry kept catching glancing back. What made things even worse was that he could not get Draco’s perfect feet out of his head! He wanted to lick every crevice (or whatever else feet people like to do with feet). </p>
<p>After class, Harry stopped by his room to put on a new robe.  When he turned around though, Draco was leaning sexily in the doorway.</p>
<p>“How did you get in?” Harry said, almost more pleased than concerned. </p>
<p>“I showed the Fat Lady my feet,” Draco answered.</p>
<p>Harry gulped so hard he swallowed 10 tonsil stones. </p>
<p>Draco moonwalked his bare feet halfway to Harry and then tippy-toed on his six-inch toes the rest of the way. Harry licked his lips longingly as Draco tore off his newly-acquired robes in one foul swoop. </p>
<p>“Oh no, it looks like you tore your robe again,” Draco whispered mischievously to Harry’s large penis. Immediately, it shot up, uppercutting Draco in the chin and sending him flying 3 feet back onto his butt. “You’ve got one strong cock,” he commented, impressed.</p>
<p>Harry giggled nervously and muttered, “Hazukashii! (uwu)”</p>
<p>Draco smiled, scooting on his butt back to Harry, his feet extended in front of him. Just when he was close enough, toes outstretched salaciously, Professor Trelawney busted down the door and rushed in. </p>
<p>“Don’t you dare foot-fellate that student, you harlequin!!!”</p>
<p>Draco somersaulted backwards in surprise, “I’M A WOT?”</p>
<p>“You heard me,” Trelawney said calmly. “My inner eye senses a horrible sexual disaster on the horizon that may lead to death - <em>or worse</em>.”</p>
<p>“What’s worse than death?” Harry asked, his penis bouncing as he spoke.</p>
<p>“Two deaths!” </p>
<p><em>Oh, true dat.  </em>Harry’s penis immediately went flaccid at the thought. “One death in the name of sex is sometimes a necessary casualty, but two - that’s a tragedy,” he muttered the age-old adage to himself.</p>
<p>Draco retracted his long toes back into his meaty feet and began putting his shoes on. </p>
<p>Trelawney's face sunk with disappointment. “I’m sorry to have spoiled what I’m sure was building up to be a wonderful, sexual romp, but I just couldn’t let my students be in danger.” She paused as a glistening jewel caught her eye; it was a bit of precum about to drip off of Harry’s dick. “Harry! Whatever you do, don’t let that precum hit the ground,” she splurted.</p>
<p>Harry sprang into action, grabbing the nearest empty mug on the side table and catching the bit of jizzum in it. </p>
<p>“Good,” said Trelawney. “Now let me see it.” She stared deeply into the mug, studying the shape and viscosity of the splooge. “Oh, this is no good,” she repeatedly murmured to herself, “not good at all.” She put the mug to her face, took a sip, and recoiled. “My god.” </p>
<p>“What is it, Professor?” Harry inquired nervously. </p>
<p>Tears began to fill her eyes, and they clouded over with prophetic wisdom. “Harry, I’m so sorry. You have the Sign of the Chode.” Draco gasped and sat down at the edge of Harry’s bed shaken. </p>
<p>A cold sweat began to develop on Harry’s brow, “What does that mean?”</p>
<p>She glanced solemnly at Harry, hardly able to keep eye contact, “It means you’re destined for bad sex! Also, your cum tastes like stale Doritos.”</p>
<p>“It can’t be!” shouted Harry.  “And what does the stale Doritos taste mean?”</p>
<p>“Oh that,” she snapped, back to her normal self once again, “I don’t know, probably something with your diet or something. Anyway, you have to promise me you’ll never have sex with anyone - because if you do, there will be dire consequences.” Trelawney glanced at her watch, “Would you look at the time! I’m gonna be late for my lunch date with the Long Island Medium!” She ran out of the room. </p>
<p>Draco and Harry stared at each other in shock. Harry broke the silence, “What am I going to do?!” </p>
<p>“We just have to prevent you from having sex, that shouldn’t be too hard - especially for you, Potter.”</p>
<p>“What are you talking about? You were literally just trying to have sex with me.”</p>
<p>Draco blushed, “Well, I find it hard to believe anyone <em>else</em> would ever want to in a million years, so I reckon you’re fine.”</p>
<p>“How can you be so sure of that?”</p>
<p>“Just trust me.”</p>
<p>
  <strong>…</strong>
</p>
<p>“Okay class, today we’re going to be going over Blowgarts. Does anyone know what a Blowgart is?” Lupin looked out towards the class. One lone hand waved wildly, slapping every student within a 2 foot radius of her desk. “Yes, Hermione.”</p>
<p>She breathed deeply and collected herself. “A Blowgart is a shapeshifting creature that takes the form of whoever the observer wants to blow or be blown by.”</p>
<p>“And you, Hermione, are blowing me away with your perfect answers,” said Lupin exuberantly. Hermione blushed and looked down at her book.</p>
<p>Neville looked up confused. “Professor, are you sure a Blowgart is a real thing? It just… doesn’t sound like it is.”</p>
<p>“Oh, I assure you, Neville, it’s real,” replied Lupin. “JK’s always adding some kind of weird shit into the Wizarding World. Honestly, I’m pretty fed up with it. Frankly, I hate having to <em>evanesco</em> my poop. Which reminds me,” Lupin meandered discreetly behind his desk, pointed his wand down at the floor, and whispered, “<em>Evanesco</em>.” He looked back towards the class with a bit of a guilty expression. “Oh, you know how it is with the full moon and all.” Everyone looked around confused, “Now, where were we?”</p>
<p>Harry, who was sitting two seats down, began to sweat in fear. Just thirty minutes after his first nearly sexual suicide, and he was already in another precarious sexual situation!</p>
<p>“Okay, now who wants to go first?” Everyone’s hand but Harry’s immediately shot up. “Hmmm, okay, how about you, Mister Potter!”</p>
<p>Shit. Harry’s stomach was in knots as he approached the dirty gym bag containing the Blowgart. It writhed on the ground like a bad omen, reminding him vaguely of Zacharius Smith’s party last weekend.  Harry unzipped it, and slowly, as if easing open a Howler from Molly, pulled wide the flaps. </p>
<p>A frenzied clone of Draco Malfoy sprang out from the canvas bag and lunged for Harry’s meat puppet. Gasps broke out across the room.</p>
<p>The real Draco ran from his seat to the front of the classroom, pulled out his cock, and dove in front of Harry. The Blowgart immediately latched onto Malfoy’s pork sword and started sucking like a shop vac. The real Malfoy fell to the ground, incapacitated, as he received one of the roughest blowies he had ever gotten. And it was from himself of all people!</p>
<p>Harry took Draco in his arms after Blowgart had finished (though, it was still latched onto him, rather leech-like). “You did this for me?” he asked tremulously, brushing a silky strand of hair from Draco’s eyes. </p>
<p>“I did it because...because...” Draco whispered, gasping for air. </p>
<p>“You saved me,” Harry said, hushing him with a finger to his lips.  A single tear rolled from his eye. “Thank you.”</p>
<p>	Lupin darted over and pressed two fingers to his temple, straining to concentrate. Abruptly, with a poof of smoke, the Blowgart turned into Mr. Bean, popped off of Malfoy’s penis, and sat back dumbfounded.</p>
<p>	“Works every time,” Lupin said, proud of himself. “Now you see, the only way to stop a Blowgart is to think about the thing that turns you off the most. For me, that thing is Rowan Atkinson - but for you all, it can be anything.”</p>
<p>	Malfoy stood up, dusted himself off, and walked back to his desk. Harry followed. Lupin shoved Rowan Atkinson back into the crusty gym bag and struggled to zip it shut. After an uncomfortably long wrestling match (which Lupin won in the end - but only just),  he wiped his brow and asked, “Who’s next?”</p>
<p>	Hermione ecstatically raised her hand.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>	Harry and Ron were chowing down on spotted dick and treacle tart when Ron brought up what had happened in class. “Oi! I right reckon I be aces about you hafin’ sex wif blokes, but of all the barmy trouser-snake ticklers, you ought to go wif MALFOY?!”</p>
<p>“C’mon Ron, you’ve got to understand. I just get this feeling when his feet are near me. It feels like he’s running his toes down my back, and it makes me shudder. How can I resist?”</p>
<p>“Blimey Whimey, I reckon I ‘erd an earful. Don’ tell me no more about Draco’s piggly wigglies.”</p>
<p>Harry looked Ron deep in his blue British eyes. “Ron, I have something I need to tell you, but you have to promise not to tell anyone else.”</p>
<p>“I promise to keep my mouf, Norf and Souf, shut!”</p>
<p>“Okay… well, umm, well… Professor Trelawney thinks that I have the Sign of the Chode, but I don’t want my first time to suck!” whispered Harry. </p>
<p>Ron spit out his treacle tart in shock. “Say it ain’t so!  You’re gonna be ‘avin shabby West Minster Abby sex the next time you hobble your knobgoblin?!”</p>
<p>“Shhhhhh, Ron! I don’t want everyone to hear.”</p>
<p>Ron thought so hard a horrid smell began to exude from his ear canals. “Now dat I fink about it, what’s the worst that can ‘appen if you just ‘ave bad sex once?”</p>
<p>Harry’s face went stern. “Trelawney said me having sex could lead to - not one, but <em>two -</em> deaths, like the butterfly affect or something.  Like if you go back in time and change one thing, then everything else goes completely awry - unless you have a Time Turner.  Then the regular rules go right out the window.  Anyway, that’s what me having sex will be like.”</p>
<p>Ron’s eyes widened, “Quite a sticky wicket we got us here, right so.”</p>
<p>“What am I gonna do, Ron? I don’t want anyone to die cause I had sex!” Harry’s lip began to quiver and, like a geyser, tears began to splurt from his tear-holes.</p>
<p>“Righty-o, why don’t you go clean yourself up. Go to the Moaning Myrtle bathroom. I’m sure you could get some privacy for a good cry in there. Loads of people are doing it these days.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Harry said as a large snot bubble began to form.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>After Harry finished washing his face off he sensed a disturbance in his nether regions. “All the sexual tension from today must’ve really gotten to me,” he thought. “Better have a wank!” </p>
<p>He decided to sit down on the toilet with the least amount of pubes on the seat, threw the Invisibility Cloak over himself for privacy, and whipped out his bell end to ready it for action. After a couple minutes of Jacking the Beanstalk, Draco walked in. Harry could tell it was him by his gleaming, size 10 Louis Baton shoes squeaking poshly across the tile. Merlin, he’d know those feet anywhere.</p>
<p>Frustrated, Harry knew he couldn’t stop now. He kept up his rhythm as quietly as he could. However, Draco’s shoes squeaked nearer and nearer, singing out the chorus of My Fair Lady now. “Why is he coming so close?” Harry wondered right before Draco threw open the broken stall door and lunged down, butt-first. </p>
<p>As if in slow motion, Harry pushed Draco’s bare ass out of the way and ripped off his cloak. </p>
<p>Draco jumped back in shock. “What are you doing here Potter?! And why is your tallywacker out?!” </p>
<p>“I was just trying to have a wank in privacy!” Harry shouted exasperatedly. He punctuated the sentence with one more guilty stroke.</p>
<p>“You almost pierced my pin cushion, Potter!”</p>
<p>“I know! Sorry!  Ugh, I’ve gotta talk to Professor Trelawney stat!” Fighting his baser urges, Harry zipped up his pants and booked it to her office. </p>
<p>…</p>
<p>Like any good, dramatic entrance, Harry kicked open the door to her office. Seeing as it was a trapdoor to the attic though, it required an acrobatic tae kwon do kick that he had thankfully been practicing this week instead of doing his Potions essay.  </p>
<p>Professor Trelawney woke from her desk nap with a start. “I was just looking into my hidden eye,” she assured sleepily. </p>
<p>“Professor, you have to tell me how to get rid of the Sign of the Chode! I’ve gotten into too many close calls today, and it needs to stop. I can’t have a nightmarish first time! What if the humiliation makes me turn out like Snape?  All incel-y and weird!”</p>
<p> Trelawney looked surprised, “Wait a minute! Mister Potter, you didn’t tell me it would be your first time! Everyone’s first time is horrible in one way or another. That’s why all the cum-readings of virgins come out with the Sign of the Chode!” She rooted around in her desk drawers for a minute before pulling out a pamphlet that read “Hormonal Changes and YOU!  The Preteen Wizard’s Guide to Navigating Nocturnal Emissions.”  She handed it to him with a sympathetic nod.</p>
<p>Harry’s shoulders fell in relief. Though he was 18 and definitely totally legal, the Dursleys had definitely never taught him about puberty. “Thank goodness! For a while there, I thought I’d be doomed to absolutely tragic sex for the rest of my relatively-short life.” He took the pamphlet and began paging through before remembering something.  Harry stiffened. “But what about the two deaths?</p>
<p>“Oh those?” she answered flippantly. “When I was meditating earlier, I realized those actually weren’t related to you at all - those deaths would’ve occurred if <em>Neville</em> ever had sex, but who would ever have sex with that ugly mug, amirite?  Unless he gets really hot over the course of his final year or something.” </p>
<p>“Totally!” Harry agreed. They high-fived and laughed at the idea of Neville ever having sex (or mysteriously becoming hot) for nearly twenty minutes. When Harry finally caught his breath, he said, “Well, I guess there’s nothing to worry about then.”</p>
<p>“That’s right, Mister Potter. Other than your impending doom at the hands of You Know Who, of course. Whoopsie - can’t forget about that one!”</p>
<p>Kinda glum at the reminder, Harry wished Professor Trelawney a relaxing evening and walked out of her office.  Yeah, the Voldemort stuff was bad and all - but that seemed like a “tomorrow” sort of problem.  After all, procrastination had worked really well for him during the Triwizard Tournament, so there was no point in trying new things.</p>
<p>The sun glistened over the Black Lake, filling him with an odd sense of peace, and not a little anticipation.  Feeling light-headed (and uber horny), he set off for the dungeons.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks to my partner <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mx_Maneater/pseuds/Mx_Maneater">Mx_Maneater</a> for betaing!  This story would've been much more depraved without their harsh guidance.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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